11 things you definitely should NOT have sex with!
Feb 7, 2016
RELIEVED Gary Parsons is rejoicing at the news that Findus Crispy Pancakes are set to vanish from UK supermarkets for good.
Because two years ago the jobless bachelor spent a week in hospital after burning his BELLEND on the tasty treat.
Gary, 58, said: “Now I feel safer knowing that, however many ciders I have, I will never again slip my manhood into a Findus Crispy Pancake.
“The last time was agonising and I wrote to Findus asking them to print a warning on the box that Crispy Pancakes are not to be used for sexual purposes.”
But Gary’s organ may not be safe yet – as Findus Crispy Pancakes will be swapped by a like-for-like item under the new Original Pancake Co brand.
The horny fella’s not the only one to come a cropper when it comes to sex with unlikely objects.
Here are the 11 best…or should that be worst?
1) A GREGG’S CHICKEN BAKE PASTY
When 32-year-old Howard Russell saw a chicken bake pasty from Gregg’s he thought it was the perfect thing to slip his length into.
But instead of sexual bliss he ended up with a scalded schlong.
The sales manager form Northwich, Cheshire said: “I have been into Gregg’s many, many times and never have I seen a sign warning you not to put your penis into one of their products – especially after it has been reheated.”
2) A SPACEHOPPER
Graham Hines got the shock of his life when he looked out of his kitchen window – because there was pervert Brendan Green shagging his daughter’s spacehopper.
Thankfully he managed to disturb the sicko before he climaxed, but not before he’d shoved one of the orange handles up his arse.
Green later pleaded guilty to outraging public decency.
3) A NATWEST PIGGY BANK
Steve Harris curious how it would feel to stick his Johnson into a porcelain piggy bank. So he did. And his engorged spam javelin got stuck!
The poor bloke from Liverpool ended up having to go to A&E and ask doctors to get the collectible off.
But luckily a laughing nurse was enough to take the wind from his sails and the pig slid off his now floppy cock.
4) YOUR SISTER!
This really should go without saying but for Richard and Kirsty Finlayson ‘one thing led to another’ and they ended up shagging in a railway station lift.
Not surprisingly the pair from Motherwell regret their actions and spoke exclusively to Sunday Sport to explain what happened.
Kirsty said: “I don’t know what he said to me but the next thing I remember is standing in a stupid position having sex.”
Well that explains everything.
5) A POP TART
Everyone knows a freshly toasted Pop Tart is hotter than molten lava but Kevin Allen clearly wasn’t in the loop.
The 32-year-old thrust his semi-erect member straight into the blisteringly hot filling with predictably painful results.
Clearly the bricklayer, from Northwich, had a screw loose – he ended up getting sectioned.
6) CREME EGGS
They’re a wonderful Easter treat but, as Bruce Patterson found out to his cost, you definitely shouldn’t stick Cadbury’s Creme Eggs up your arse!
He stuck nine of the chocolates right up his jacksy and proudly claimed to have set a new world record.
Shockingly officials at Guinness World Records didn’t recognise his achievement but the the 32-year-old from Chorley, Lancs, was happy enough.
He said: ” I think nine eggs is the very limit of human anal endurance,”
7) A TESCO VALUE LASAGNE
Vince Shaw, 47, spent 95 pence of his hard-earned cash on a tasty treat – not for his dinner but for his cock.
But after blitzing his lasagne for ten minutes in the microwave he was in for a shock when he slipped his member between the sauce-lubed pasta sheets – and ended up with genital scalding.
The water treatment worker, from Winsford, Cheshire, said: “I’ve been a loyal customer over the years and look how I get repaid – a frazzled phallus.”
8) YOURSELF (AFTER EATING NICE ‘N’ SPICY NIK NAKS)
Jobless Steve Butcher nearly had a heart attack when he looked down following a marathon cider, Nik Nak and porn binge – and found his meat sword had turned bright orange.
The 34-year-old from Crewe, Cheshire, raced straight to hospital but as left red-faced when medics explained what had happened.
He said: “The nurse told me the colour and crumbs on my bellend had come from my wanking hand which I’d been eating Nik Naks with. I could have cried with relief but it’s put me of Nik Naks. I’m sticking to Scampi Fries from now on.”
You’d think people would get the message about the dangers of mixing hot food and todgers.
But 41-year-old Jeff Holmes of Whitby, North Yorks, decided to slip his tackle into a bowl of ready-mix spuds, with predictable results.
He said: “Don’t ask me where the idea came from. I’m not a pervert or owt like that! I just took down my kecks and pushed my willy in the Smash. The pain was indescribable.”
10) DESPICABLE ME’S MINIONS
DOZY Paul Garside caused an internet sensation when he posted the x-ray picture taken of his arse when he stuffed eight Despicable Me Minion toys up his rectum.
Doctors were able to get them out without surgery but 34-year-old Paul decided the picture was worthy of putting on his Facebook page.
Soon the whole world was talking about his lower intestine. He said: “It took off and people were contacting me from all over the world.
“Eventually I turned my computer off because some of the remarks were quite hurtful.”
11) POPPING CANDY
What’s worse than putting popping candy under your foreskin?
As Gareth Pemberton found it’s putting popping candy under your foreskin, not washing it off afterwards and developing a disgusting infection that nearly ends up with you losing your tallywhacker.
Thankfully doctors managed to save the 36-year-old Northwich oddball’s skin flute but he did lose his dignity.
He said: “If you popping candy under your foreskin for the love of God make sure you wash your bellend afterwards.”
What’s the wildest thing you’ve had sex with? Tell us below