RICHARD THE THIRD FOUND IN PUB LOO



By SIMON DEAN

BOFFINS who spent weeks – and thousands of pounds – searching for the remains of lost English King Richard III need not have bothered.

Because Sunday Sport reader Keith Burgess has found the hunchbacked monarch in his local boozer’s shithouse! Last week archaeologists from the University of Leicester digging up a council car park in the city unearthed what they believe to be the skeleton of King Richard – who died at the battle of Bosworth Field in 1485. But unemployed roofer Keith – who is off work with his nerves – said the king, who is reputed for killing the Princes in the Tower, lives in the crapper at his local, the Otter’s Snout in Biddulph, Staffs.

The 55-year-old said: “It were eerie. Piss drain were blocked up with fag ends and the like so I used the sitdown for me slash. “And there it was looking at me – Richard the ruddy Third – right on the cistern. It was just like the portrait I’d seen on the telly that morning. “I took a photo on me phone and then rushed into the bar to tell everyone. But they thought I was drunk and I got tossed out.

“I think the Snout should be cashing in on this amazing historical artefact they’ve got in their shitter. And I think I should get a percentage, as finder, like.” John Kettle, landlord of the Otter’s Snout, said: “That f***ing old lush told us that he’d seen Diana in the bookies and once claimed to have bought a second-hand settee off Ted Rogers from 3-2-1. “Richard the Third in my shithouse indeed!”

 

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