In The Know with Mike Starr



WHO is the latest beau seen on the arm of PIPPETTES front-strumpet DOLLY BUNCE? Well, believe it or not, it’s no other than Goole hunk BARRY WORCESTER-KIDDON, fresh from his stint on a SEX OFFENDING COURSE. Barry, who was caught in an entanglement with an otter, said: “I’ve paid my debt to society and I’m very happy with Dolly. She sometimes makes a noise like a vole…only joking!”

MORE mither at NADGY RECORDS where taskmaster boss NAXOS PAPHIDES is on the warpath after someone drew a giant cock and balls on his parking space. The fiery music mogul is reaching the end of his tether with practical jokes – pranksters have already put jam in his shoes and put his cat ARISTOTLE on a photocopier. Prime suspect for the japes has to be top gurglerocker BOFFY PRENDERGAST whose nose was put out of joint over a cancelled tour of East Lancashire.

IF you’re looking for bangers, there’s nobody better to approach than former EUROVISION hopeful FRANK DELANEY. Frank – whose 1995 single Oooh, Hellooo was described as “earth-shatteringly awful” by Radio 2’s Ken Bruce – is already a second-hand car dealer in his home town of Murgatroyd. Now Frank’s bought a butcher’s shop – specialising in fancypants SAUSAGES! He laughed: “When people come to me for bangers, I have to ask ‘What sort?’ HAHA- HA-HA-HA-HA!”

ROCK legend GARTH HOOP is in trouble with the WILDLIFE AND COUNTRYSIDE ACT after a “robust discussion” with local vicar THE REV DUNCAN SIRROP over birds of prey. Over a few pints of OLD RUGGER’S FRECKLES in the CASTRATED CALF in Upper Bottom, Wilts, Garth bet the padre his falcon could “twat” the church kestrel. A contest was hastily arranged – though broke up in some disorder when police arrived from nearby Midsomer Prepuce.

HOT favourite to win the GOLDEN RIVET at the annual DUNBAR FILM FESTIVAL is new director BILLY DEVONSHIRE. Billy, whose controversial flick I’M NEARLY 16 caused riots in some more-traditional areas of West Yorkshire, is keeping quiet about his chances at East Lothian’s premier movie event. He told me: “If I’m being brutally honest, I’d rather not win. Have you ever been to Dunbar? Ghastly place. Eurrgh!”

 

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