By SIMON DEAN
HOPELESS pissheads from across the British Isles gathered in Blackpool yesterday for the 20th-ish PARALYTIC OLYMPICS!
Inspired by the Olympics and Paralympics – which kicked off in London last Wednesday – the Paralytic Olympics showcases drunkard athletes who are at the top of their game…and the bottom of the barrel. Reduced by liquor to staggering decrepitude, the dipsomaniac competitors at the Paralytics nevertheless manage to bring in world-beating performances in events such as:
- The 100-yard stagger,
- Shouting at trams,
- The Lidl cider marathon,
- Trouser-wetting under Central Pier.
Angus ‘Shouty Angus’ McTavish, who bills himself as the “Paralytics’ answer to Seb Coe”, told Sunday Sport: “The dedication, drive – and indeed the stench – of the Paralyticympians has to – AAAGH! – be witnessed to be believed.
“These guys are up at four, five in the morning, hammering – DIRTY GOBLIN! – on the door of Campbell’s Cheap Booze Emporium in Cleveleys, literally thirsting. Thirsting for cider – SCREE! – rather than athletic achievement, yes. But they have the thirst.” He added, beginning to sob: “It is a sad truth that these fine Paralyticympians will never win the applause and acclaim of the regular Olympians – or even the guys with the wooden legs. “It’s our aim to see a British Paralyticympian knighted, just like Chris Hoy or Eddie the Eagle.
“Then again, if any of this lot got to the Palace they’d probably wet the throne. Or bum a corgi.” Today, in tribute to all the Paralyticympians taking part in the Paralytic Olympics 2012, we look at the best medal hopes: