A lion in Essex…why didn’t they call me for help?!

 

IF I hadn’t been holed-up with food poisoning this week I swear I’d have caught the Essex lion!

Honestly, for a few days I didn’t dare leave the house for fear of being caught short in public. I was spewing my ring up and could’ve sh*t through the eye of a needle – f***ing minging! I’m not sure, but I think it might’ve even been something I ate at The Priory. Seriously, I’ve heard of an extreme detox, but that takes the piss! I’ve been practically living in the toilet. Anyway, my dad rang me and told me about this lion that people were saying was on the loose in Essex and to be honest, I’m a bit gutted I didn’t get a call to help out! A while ago, when I wasn’t well, I had to hand over my shotguns as a safety precaution, but before then I used to do a lot of hunting – I was pretty good, too.

Shotgun

I remember once, I was out hunting with Jimmy Five Bellies and we spotted a police helicopter in the sky. I said to Jimmy, “Come on, let’s get its attention.” Jimmy was stood about 15-feet away from me, so I aimed the shotgun next to his head and fired! And he went down like a big sack of sh*t! He deserved an Oscar for that performance because the police were so convinced that they landed the helicopter and came running over. I said, “Oh, I’m sorry officer – it’s just me, Gazza, having a laugh.” I wouldn’t say they saw the funny side, but at least they let me off! Another time, I thought I’d help the groundsman at Spurs get rid of a pigeon from the stands, so I got out my gun, climbed on the roof and went after it. But I was carrying a bit of timber at the time, so I fell through the roof! It’s fair to say my gaffer, Terry Venables wasn’t impressed. The best hunter I’ve seen is Vinnie Jones. A lot of people think me and Vinnie are enemies because of the infamous ball-squeezing incident, but honestly, that couldn’t be further from the truth. When I moved to Spurs, I was living in a hotel and one day there was a knock at the door. I opened it and there was Vinnie. He said, “I’m here for you Gazza and I’m going to help you.” And we ended up going pheasant shooting together. At one point, two pigeons flew by and Vinnie loaded up his shotgun and took them out of the sky. He used to be clay pigeon shooting champion when he was 14, so he was f***ing lethal! He said, “Right, you have a go now, Gazza,” so I picked up my shotgun, but I didn’t realise it was loaded, and it went off about a yard away from Vinnie. I f***ing sh*t myself. I must’ve been about five inches away from taking his head off.

Balls

That would’ve taken getting my own back for him squeezing my balls to a new level! After that, he’d only let me watch him. Funnily enough, Vinnie called me last week. He wants to make a programme where the pair of us are blindfolded and flown in a helicopter to a remote island somewhere, with nothing but a couple of fishing rods and a gun each for hunting. And they’d leave us there for a month! I think it sounds f***ing brilliant!

I CAN’T believe all this fuss about Prince Harry showing his Crown Jewels! It was a few weeks ago now, but people are still talking about it. Good on Harry, that’s what I say! I love stripping off! Once, for Sport Relief, I organised a naked football match at Middlesbrough. Right at the end I scored a belting free-kick in the top corner and celebrated like mad. But I couldn’t understand why nobody was up for giving me a hug…

BEING bent double with the shites on Friday, I didn’t get to see any of the transfer deadline day coverage. It wouldn’t have been the same without Harry Redknapp anyway. I bet he didn’t know what to do with himself on Friday! Usually, on transfer deadline day, Harry’s all over Sky Sports News giving interviews through his car window, telling reporters he’s not signing anyone two minute before unveiling three new players! I love Harry and now he’s temporarily out of management transfer day wouldn’t have been half as exciting without him, so I’m not bothered about missing the action. My phone was also on the blink, so that m u s t ’ v e been why I didn’t get any calls asking me to sign for a top Premier League club….

THAT Will.i.am fella was close to becoming my arch enemy this week. I couldn’t believe it when I heard he’d crashed his car with Cheryl Cole in the passenger seat. Her face is perfect, so thank God she’s only hurt her arm! Someone’s told me she’s got a new bloke as well – a dancer. If she likes a man with moves, she needs to see my moonwalk – she wouldn’t be able to resist me!

WHEN I fell off the wagon I dropped my phone in water and I’ve had to splash out on a new one. I know Stella is reassuringly expensive, but the cost of a new phone – that takes the piss!

GOOD on Sir Alex Ferguson for banning his young players from having flashy sports cars. I bet the younger lads thought all their Christmases had come at once when the club signed a sponsorship deal with Chevrolet and the company offered them all free cars. But Sir Alex is so worried about them crashing and getting injured that he’s said, “No way!” Footballers have always loved spending their millions on flash cars. When I was at Everton, Abel Xavier had a Ferrari in his garage next to a soft top Smart car! I remember being in his car while he was driving around Liverpool. Abel’s 6ft 2ins so his head was higher than the roof – he looked like Dino in the Flintstones! When I was 17 and still at Newcastle, I had a £1,500 Mini and when we played at Spurs I couldn’t believe the players’ cars – there were Porsches, Mercedes, Range Rovers, the lot! I thought if I work hard, I’ll have a car like that one day. Around that time, Glenn Roeder, a coach at Newcastle, drove me to London and said, “I want to show you something,” and pulled up outside this house – it was f***ing amazing. I said, “Whose is it?” and he said, “It’s Trevor Brooking’s house and if you carry on working hard, you can have a house just like this one day.” That motivated me to do the best I could. Today, Premier League footballers have it too easy. Two years ago, I went to meet the England squad and I was expecting to see great team spirit, with them having a laugh. But it broke my heart. All they were doing was trying out each other’s cars. I couldn’t f***ing believe it.

I predict I’ll get it wrong!

I DON’T think Mystic Meg has anything to worry about because every time I make a prediction, the complete opposite happens – especially when it comes to football! Last week, I said how pleased I was for my old mate Roberto Di Matteo, who’s doing well at Chelsea. I even said I fancied them to do really well this season. So what happens? They get beat 4-1 at home to Atletico Madrid and look like a pub team! The bookies must f***ing love me!

 

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