Dear Morgan,
MY GIRLFRIEND really does love her food – especially when we’re on holiday. The thing is, she likes her sex, too, and most of the time she’s looking for ways to combine both passions.
This year we went to a selfcatering place on the east coast and we must have taken half a supermarket of grub with us. We’d barely settled in at the chalet when she’d started to unpack and peel off. She kissed me and rubbed her boobs against me and I was soon ready for it.
Portion
She produced a jar of chocolate spread and coated my helmet in it, hungrily sucking it off before slapping on another portion and doing the same. As you can imagine, it wasn’t long before she was getting a huge dollop of cream to go with her choccy muck – and she licked every last bit of it off my cock, that’s how greedy she is. Of course, this greed comes at a price and she’s a bit on the hefty side – not that I mind, I like my women to have something I can get to grips with and squeeze. And it helps that she loves giving me blow jobs – not all fellas are as lucky as me in that department, I know. The next morning I got up early and went out for a bit of a stroll along the beach, and when I got back a few hours later the aroma of baking.
My girl had decided to knock up a batch of chocolate muffins and they were still warm from the oven. She was still in her dressing gown but when she saw me she let it fall open to reveal her fleshy nakedness underneath. Then she picked up one of the cakes, put it between her legs and asked me: “Fancy doing a bit of muffin diving?” Well, of course I did! I shoved my mouth right over the cake and started nibbling away until I was down to her moist and fragrant sex – then I gobbled away even more. As I was licking the last of the crumbs from her intimate parts her body quivered and trembled with a huge orgasm. I carried on licking, loving the fact that she was getting so hot under the attentions of my tongue. Naturally, I got a similar treatment in return, with half a dozen muffins getting eaten off my cock. The only dark spot in our lives is that since we got back her doctor has told her she’s really got to diet.
Will this ruin our sex lives?
SN, Wiltshire
Morgan says, THERE’s no reason why you can’t eat healthy food off each other!
Dear Morgan,
LAST week I was banging the wife when she suggested I give her some oral relief to spice up our shagging sessions. Trouble is, I hate going down on her and I always try to avoid it in our nookie sessions.
So I mumbled something about her having a hairy muff and getting hairs in my teeth and she got all teary when I refused. But then she got so mad that she wouldn’t even give me my bedtime blow-job. The following day was a Saturday, so I was at the match all day with the lads. When I finally crawled home arse-holed, the wife called me upstairs. I was stunned when I opened the bedroom door to find her all togged up in a basque and sussies, legs spread wide and a gleaming shaven pussy winking at me.
Tongue
I whipped off my keks and prepared to shove my raging boner up her. But she insisted that I had to tongue her groove if I wanted to blow my wad up her. That put me in a bit of a quandary as I was close to the point of no return already and didn’t want to risk letting it go to waste while trying to lick her to a climax. So I hesitated but when she said she’d smear some raspberry jam down there – my favourite – I reluctantly agreed. She’d switched out the light at this time (she’s still shy, you see) and I heard her fumble with a jar and smear her downstairs with gunk. Then I dived in and started lapping away. It was then she realised that she’d accidently picked up the Marmite jar from the breakfast bar – and I can’t stand the f***ing stuff. I forgave her, boned her anyway and thought all would go back to normal. Trouble is she’s still refusing to give me my nightly gobble. I can’t sleep properly without one and my work’s beginning to suffer.
How do I persuade her to suck my cock again?
EB, Cheshire
Morgan says, THE Marmite must be hers so stick your knob in it and ask her again – that might do it.
Dear Morgan,
I PUT one over my future daughterin- law and her pals the other night on a hen night.
I’m in good shape for a 45-year-old and although all these youngsters had been throwing themselves at the hunky male stripper, I pulled him and shagged him senseless before we got the mini-bus home! How about that for a gran?
EB, Essex
Morgan says, TOP marks, love. You show ’em!
I fixed toff’s ride-on mower then gave her a really good ride!
Dear Morgan,
I’M a garden equipment technician and often get called out at this time of the year to look at mowers and what have you, especially when people have been on holiday and can’t be arsed to sort out their overgrown gardens. I had an extraordinary experience just a few days ago when I was called to this imposing detached house on the outskirts of a village.
The call was to service a ride-on mower that had seen better days. The house was massive with huge lawns and I knew I’d have to do a good job if I was to get any calls in the future. The mower was in one of those oak rustic barns which people with loads of dosh are having put up these days. There was a workshop at the back where I took some of the parts when I’d dismantled from the machinery. I was working away and realised that it was a bit warm, so I peeled down my overalls to my waist and took off my T-shirt. A few moments had passed when I saw the lady of the house in the doorway looking admiringly at my physique.
She was wearing a blouse and short skirt that showed off her Caribbean tan. She had brought me a cool drink and we chatted for a bit until she came closer and put her hand down my overalls where my todger was already rising to the occasion. She tugged down my overalls and boxers and began to suck me. Then she stood up and took off her skirt, pulled down her panties and pleaded with me to lick her down ther, which I can tell you I was more than happy to do, seeing as her shaven fanny and glistening lips looked so inviting. So I buried my head between her legs and lapped at her until she was begging me to enter her. I obliged by bending her over the workbench and taking her deeply from behind.
Harder
Soon she was squealing with joy and urging me to f*** her harder. I felt her pussy tighten round my knob as she orgasmed over and over again. But that wasn’t the end of it. After a short rest, I plunged four fingers into her and my thumb teased her bumhole. She came again, and so did I as she pulled me off. She quickly dressed and made me promise not to tell anyone then went back into her house, straightening her hair in the hope that her husband, who’d been in his study working all along, didn’t notice she’d been having it off with a total stranger. I really enjoyed our session and I think she did too. The trouble is, I did a really good job on her lawnmower and she’s not likely to call anytime soon for me to call round and give it – and her– another service.
Should I just call round the house again on spec and hope she fancies a bit more rough?
RV, Suffolk
Morgan says, NO, but don’t fret. I don’t think it’ll be long before she finds some excuse to call you.
Dear Morgan,
I LOVE pickled onion crisps, especially the ones that are like onion rings that go soggy in your mouth when you suck them.
I wanted to put them round my boyfriend’s cock so I could suck them off as I suck him off, just to try it. But he wouldn’t let me and said that I’m not taking our sex life seriously enough. How can I persuade him I am? EJ, West Mids Morgan says, NOT seriously enough? Doesn’t he realise that sex is meant to be fun? He should be grateful you’re up for it. No happy bunny as she snubs my outfit Dear Morgan, WHY are women such spoilsports? I got my missus a bunny outfit to wear for a fancy dress party we’d been invited to for the Bank Holiday weekend…but we ended up staying in instead. That’s because she didn’t like the costume I got her and refused to wear it, even though it cost me a packet to hire it from the local fancy dress shop. Apparently, she had a skimpy leotard, bunny ears, shirt cuffs and high heels in mind –– like Bunny Girls.
But she’d just said “bunny” to me, so I got a zip-up suit with big padded feet and a bunny head with holes for the eyes and mouth. She said she wouldn’t wear it because it wasn’t sexy. When I suggested some fun at home with it on our own, with me in the Superman outfit I’d got for myself, she said told me there wasn’t a chance and called me some kind of pervert!
What did I do wrong?
TL, Bristol