I BOUGHT MY MONKEY TO SCRATCH MY BALLS!



By SIMON DEAN

IF idleness were an Olympic sport, workshy Alan Fopps would be a Gold medallist. For not only has the 45-year-old never worked a stroke in his life, he’s now shelled out £200 of his lavish benefits on a monkey to perform simple tasks – including scratching his BALLS!

Research published last week showed Britons are among the laziest people on the planet – and 20st ‘Sultan of Sloth’ Alan is proof positive of that. The lethargic leech, from Crewe, Cheshire, drooled: “I know my rights – and it’s my right to claim my benefits.

“I get a little bit extra on the disability thanks to my bad back and wooziness. So I spent some of the money on getting a monkey.

Rights

“It was trained as one of those ‘helping hands’ monkeys for the disableds. And as I get disability benefits, I’m disabled. I’m entitled to a monkey. “I’ve called him Lionel. He’s a great little fella who can do all sorts of household tasks like opening my lager or bringing me the remote control.

“I’ve even trained him to scratch by bollocks, so I don’t even need to do that. I’m going to train the little bleeder to wipe my arse next!” The case has outraged taxpayers’ groups. Derek Sparge of campaign group Let Them Starve raged: “It’s bad enough that this government is paying any money to the simple-minded, the workshy and our various ‘Commonwealth cousins’. “But when the idle have so much money they start buying monkeys, our handcart has surely arrived at the gates of Hell.”

But Alan, whose mother lives in a room upstairs at his rented semi and hasn’t left it for 11 years, said: “They can rant all they like, I didn’t make the rules. I think the government has got it about right.”

 

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