In The Know with Mike Starr

LOOKS like there’s trouble in store for NIFFY IKKES, who managed to walk out of his local BARGAIN THREADS outlet without paying for some oven gloves. Niffy, lead singer with THE POODLES, loves pottering around the low-cost shops in his home town of Ludlow, but now he’s accused of being a bit too careful with his pennies – by stealing. His Manager DAVID FINKELBERG said: “Niffy was distracted by some cheap growbags which he spotted at LUDLOW LO-COST across the street and simply wandered out without paying for the gloves. It was an oversight.”

ECCENTRIC grumble-rapper HARDY GUSSET is taking what he calls “a stand against the technologisation of sound” – his latest release is on sheet music. Forget downloads, CD or even the lowly cassette, Hardy’s fans will only get to hear his new track by playing it themselves on the family piano. Hardy dribbled: “Going forward, I want to increase the democratisation of sound and drag a technologised audience into the music experience away from the more conventional revenue streaming. I call it a personal refresh of the industry. Hmm.”

DAVID CAMERON has won support from an unexpected quarter – former SLUTTY AND THE HYMEN front-strumpet TILLY NOOP! Tilly, whose 2008 hit WHERE THE AXE FELL caused insurrection in Kirkcaldy, says the country should lay off the embattled PM. She said: “I like David Cameron. His face is all shiny like Des O’Connor and the uncomprehending bewilderment in his wife’s eyes sums up the national mood.”

GARAGE trombonist GAFFY NINGE has landed on a whole horn of trouble by releasing what he calls the PEOPLE’S UNOFFICIAL OLYMPIC ANTHEM. Unimpressed by the official song recorded by MUSE, Gaffy came up with his own tune, written in a café in Goole, which he says “better reflects the national mood of Olympic anguish and disaffectedness.” But Olympic authorities have taken a dim view of the ditty, SEB COE’S ARMPIT. Gaffy’s been arrested, his house seized, his passport confiscated, his children taken into care and he’s been placed on the SEX OFFENDERS’ REGISTER. Protect that brand!

FORMER Eurovision hopeful DANNIELLE POPPY has turned her back on showbiz to become a common prostitute! The stars have fallen from the eyes of pretty Danni, who almost made it to the televised stages of A SONG FOR EUROPE in 2001. She said: “I gave it my best shot but after many hours and many disappointments, I’ve decided that sucking off taxi drivers for £20 a pop is a better career option. I don’t do anal.”




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