Amazing twist of fate for virgin Mike
THE computer failure that last week crippled thousands of Natwest and RBS customers’ accounts has been a nightmare for most. But for down-in-the-dumps Mike Hollis, the glitch – which wiped £1.7BILLION from the bank’s share price – was a LIFE SAVER!
Because had Natwest/RBS been run by anything other than cheeseparing imbeciles, Mike would be a bloody mess at the foot of notorious suicide spot Beachy Head by now. Freelance shopping trolley recovery operative Mike, from Balham, south London, explained: “I got a real attack of the blues last week.
“The lost shopping trolley collection business isn’t what it once was. Gangs of Chinamen are snapping up most of the lost trolleys these days. “And it also started getting to me that I was still a virgin – at 38. ‘That’s it’, I thought. ‘I’m going to do myself in’. “I just made my mind up there and then to lob myself off Beachy Head.”
But when Mike went to his local Natwest to draw out cash to pay the £27.70 single train fare from London to Eastbourne – the nearest station to Beachy Head in East Sussex – his bank card was rejected. Mike fumed: “There should have been around £300 in my account. But it wasn’t showing up.
“I didn’t want to risk getting on the train without a ticket – and being fined – so I went around the back of Victoria Station and I just started sobbing.” At that moment, Mike’s life took a turn for the better as a young lady spotted his plight and took pity.
He added: “I told this girl, called Catherine, my whole story. “She asked me back to her house for a coffee and we ended up having sex. My first sex! Ever!
“I was over the moon. And we are going on a date tomorrow. My life is complete now and I no longer feel like topping myself. It’s great! “Were it not for the greediness of those senior Natwest management bods, I’d be dead now.
“By outsourcing their technical systems to Indian peasants to save a few pence and bloat their already-obscene bonuses, Natwest bosses saved me from suicide and got my spuds drained, too !”