CHERYL COLE PASTY BOILED NUT’S PORK SWORD



By SIMON DEAN

A MAN who BONKED a pasty baked to celebrate Cheryl Cole’s support for the savoury treat ended up in casualty with a SCALDED BELL END!

Hundreds of pasty fans have snapped up the £1 Cheryl Cole artery blockers which went on sale at Dutch Oven bakery in Bishop Auckland, Durham, last week. Owner Barry Wentworthy wanted to create an edible commemoration of the pop babe’s support for the pasty.

But one customer clearly took things TOO FAR – and instead of nibbling the corned beef and baked bean concoction, he SHAGGED it! A source at Darlington Memorial Hospital, where the pastry-porker was treated, said: “The patient came to us in some pain, to say the least.

Screaming

“When he got his old chap out, it was a sight to behold! He had not managed to clean any of the filling off so he had corned beef under his helmet and even a baked bean wedged in his jap’s eye. “Once we cleaned him up things looked a lot better but his bell end was as red as a telephone box. “When the patient finally stopped screaming he told us that he’d been naked in the kitchen and heated up one of those Cheryl Cole pasties in the microwave.

“Then, apparently, he slipped, dropped the pasty, fell over…and his gentleman – which was on half-bonk – speared the still-hot pasty. “We just said ‘Oh aye, pet’. Then he just broke down and confessed then that he was in love with Cheryl Cole and bonking the pasty was the closest he’d come to having sex with her.

Pillock

“The poor lamb, he looked so sad. I would haven give him a sympathy handjob on the spot but his cock was roasted like a beef joint!” Last night Dutch Oven boss Barry said simply: “What a pillock!” Last week Cheryl, from home-of-the-pasty Newcastle-upon- Tyne, attacked Chancellor George Osborne’s now-axed scheme to tax pasties.

She said: “It was ridiculous. I would have been penniless as a teenager – and hungry – if I’d been taxed every time I had a hot pasty. “I wouldn’t have had a penny. It’s crazy. Pasties, pizza, McDonald’s – we didn’t have a clue about nutrition. “It was tasty and it was what we could afford. The whole idea of putting tax on that is about taking money out of the pockets of people who can’t afford it.”

 

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