Is YOUR missus a secret lesbian



By SIMON DEAN

THOUSANDS of women – many with husbands, well-behaved children and even plentiful housekeeping money – are turning into secret LESBIANS, we can reveal.

A tsunami of Sapphic ingratitude is sweeping Britain as women reject the stability of the traditional family unit for hare-brained inter-female relationships – often in middle to later life as the hot flush of menopause looms. Writer and environmental campaigner Tamsin Omond (left), who herself grew up a lesbian despite a privileged upbringing, says she has noticed the trend at posh parties she attends. The Cambridge -educated blonde said: “Women who I know are, or at least believe to be, straight and happy in their relationships lower their voices at parties, hold my gaze, and brush their lips against my ear. When I’m in the taxi home they text me asking to see me again.” So, how widespread is this disturbing trend? Working with psychologists, we have devised a simple quiz for concerned partners.

1. ON BBC’s brainy quiz QI, your wife’s favourite personality is:
a: Curly-haired simpleton Alan Davies
b: Cleverclogs host Stephen Fry
c: Noted lesbian Sandi Toksvig

2. THE wife decides she shall take up a hobby. Is this:
a: Flower-pressing
b: Keep fit
c: All-in wrestling

3. AT the library, your partner chooses a book. Will this be:
a: A gentle romance
b: A volume to help her self confidence
c: A copy of the once-banned Well of Loneliness by rabid lesbian Radclyffe Hall

4. AN old university chum visits. The pair reminisce about:
a: The old days in the choral society
b: The old days in the college bar
c: The old days at Greenham Common

5. ON a long journey in the motor car, you allow your wife to take one of her own compact discs. She brings:
a: A recording of inspirational hymns
b: Abba Gold
c: Canadian lesbian kd lang’s greatest hits

6. YOU allow your wife to visit a so-called sex toy party. She returns with:
a: Shock and indignation at the vile apparatus she has witnessed
b: A plastic instrument of self-abuse
c: A 12” strap-on rubber cock (right)

7. AS reward for preparing a particularly fine supper, you hand your wife £20 to buy a new outfit from the shops. She returns with:
a: A sensible blouse
b: What young people call a “top”
c: A pair of dungarees from the “feminist” stall at the outdoor market

8. YOUR wife begins to put on a few extra pounds, something you mention as she is bending to her chores. In response, she:
a: Makes herself vomit and promises to immediately go on a diet
b: Curses you with colourful unpleasantries
c: Continues her wanton gluttony as “a statement”

9. MENTION “scissor sisters” to your wife and she:
a: Gives you a blank look
b: Says: “Oh, I heard them on Radio 2”
c: Says: “Oh that’s what I do with Muriel on the living room floor after drinks on Tuesday afternoon!”

10. YOU suggest a caravanning tour of northern England and allow your wife to suggest one town to visit. She opts for:
a: Leeds, to visit Harvey Nicks
b: York, to see the Minster
c: The lesboid cesspit of Hebden Bridge, W. Yorks

SO, DOES SHE WEAR COMFORTABLE SHOES?

MOSTLY A: Breathe a sigh of relief. Your missus presents none of the troubling symptoms of lesbianism.
MOSTLY B: It is imperative you take your wife to see a physician as she is displaying some shift towards the sickly Isle of Lesbos. With help and care, she may make a full recovery.
MOSTLY C: Shame on you man! Before your very eyes, your wife has slipped into the abyss of irrecoverable sapphism. How could you let this happen? Are you such a brute? The only option open to you is a bottle of whisky, a service revolver and a locked study.

 

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