THOUSANDS of women – many with husbands, well-behaved children and even plentiful housekeeping money – are turning into secret LESBIANS, we can reveal.
A tsunami of Sapphic ingratitude is sweeping Britain as women reject the stability of the traditional family unit for hare-brained inter-female relationships – often in middle to later life as the hot flush of menopause looms. Writer and environmental campaigner Tamsin Omond (left), who herself grew up a lesbian despite a privileged upbringing, says she has noticed the trend at posh parties she attends. The Cambridge -educated blonde said: “Women who I know are, or at least believe to be, straight and happy in their relationships lower their voices at parties, hold my gaze, and brush their lips against my ear. When I’m in the taxi home they text me asking to see me again.” So, how widespread is this disturbing trend? Working with psychologists, we have devised a simple quiz for concerned partners.
1. ON BBC’s brainy quiz QI, your
wife’s favourite personality is:
a: Curly-haired simpleton
Alan Davies
b: Cleverclogs host Stephen
Fry
c: Noted lesbian Sandi
Toksvig
2. THE wife decides
she shall take up a
hobby. Is this:
a: Flower-pressing
b: Keep fit
c: All-in wrestling
3. AT the library,
your partner
chooses a book.
Will this be:
a: A gentle
romance
b: A volume to
help her self
confidence
c: A copy of the
once-banned Well
of Loneliness by rabid
lesbian Radclyffe Hall
4. AN old university chum
visits. The pair reminisce
about:
a: The old days in the
choral society
b: The old days in the
college bar
c: The old days at Greenham
Common
5. ON a long journey in
the motor car, you allow
your wife to
take one of
her own
compact
discs. She
brings:
a: A recording
of inspirational
hymns
b: Abba Gold
c: Canadian
lesbian kd lang’s
greatest hits
6. YOU allow your
wife to visit a
so-called sex toy
party. She returns
with:
a: Shock and indignation at
the vile apparatus she has
witnessed
b: A plastic instrument of
self-abuse
c: A 12” strap-on rubber
cock (right)
7. AS reward for preparing a
particularly fine supper, you
hand your wife £20 to buy a
new outfit from the shops. She
returns with:
a: A sensible blouse
b: What young
people call a “top”
c: A pair of
dungarees from the
“feminist” stall at
the outdoor market
8. YOUR wife
begins to put on a
few extra pounds,
something you mention
as she is bending to
her chores. In response,
she:
a: Makes herself vomit and
promises to immediately go
on a diet
b: Curses you with colourful
unpleasantries
c: Continues her wanton
gluttony as “a statement”
9. MENTION “scissor sisters”
to your wife and she:
a: Gives you a blank look
b: Says: “Oh, I heard them
on Radio 2”
c: Says: “Oh that’s what I
do with Muriel on the living
room floor after drinks on
Tuesday afternoon!”
10. YOU suggest a
caravanning tour of northern
England and allow your wife to
suggest one town to visit. She
opts for:
a: Leeds, to visit Harvey
Nicks
b: York, to see the Minster
c: The lesboid cesspit of
Hebden Bridge, W. Yorks
SO, DOES SHE WEAR COMFORTABLE SHOES?
MOSTLY A: Breathe a sigh of relief.
Your missus presents none of the
troubling symptoms of lesbianism.
MOSTLY B: It is imperative you take
your wife to see a physician as she is
displaying some shift towards the
sickly Isle of Lesbos. With help and care,
she may make a full recovery.
MOSTLY C: Shame on you man! Before your
very eyes, your wife has slipped into the abyss of irrecoverable
sapphism. How could you let this happen? Are you such a brute?
The only option open to you is a bottle of whisky, a service
revolver and a locked study.