Dear Morgan,
MY hubby was told by his doc to cut down on fatty food and eat more fruit and veg.
He’s always been a sucker for my pies and fried breakfasts so I knew I’d have to change the way I cooked to get him to follow the doctor’s orders. But he agreed to eat my new cooking if I made it fun and exciting for him. I was stuck for ideas and in desperation I decided to tell him salad made me horny. At first he didn’t believe me but I told him that if we ate salad together he’d be guaranteed a good going over afterwards. After our first meal I turned on the works sexually and now we have sex after every salad – and it’s fantastic. I think my husband was carrying a lot of extra lard around with him and it was slowing him down in the bedroom. But now he can keep going for ages and work me until I’m begging to climax. All the sex had the positive side-effect of helping him lose weight. The doctor said he had to exercise but my hubby was determined he wouldn’t be seen down at some “gay boy gym”.
But the after-meal humping and pumping is burning off the calories quicker than I thought possible. Last weekend after a dinner of grilled chicken with new potatoes and salad I got ready for my regular servicing and mentally thanked my doctor for forcing us into a healthier sex-filled life. Then my husband appeared with half a cucumber. I asked him what it was for, inquiring whether or not he was still hungry and he said he’d found a new way to make salad more fun. He wanted to stick the cucumber up my chuff saying that if he knew it had been up there he’d enjoy eating his salad more.
I didn’t fancy the idea too much but he insisted that if I cared about and his health I’d let him.
So I gave in. It was a bit uncomfortable at first because the cucumber was wider than my husband’s cock. But with a little bit of lubrication we got going fine and, except for his jokes about using salad cream for lube, it was quite a nice experience. The next day he refused to eat his cucumber unless I had some too. I scrubbed it hard before cutting up my portion, trying not to think about it having been up my fanny. I was relieved when we’d eaten it all and I didn’t buy another. But last night he came to bed with a carrot.
MM, Cornwall
Morgan says: DON’T let him blackmail you into shagging vegetables. Only do it if you enjoy it too.
When the cat’s away, the sex DVDs will play
Dear Morgan
MY wife recently took our kids away for a short break in France. I stayed at home as I couldn’t get the time off work but I was glad of some “me” time.
As soon as they were out of the door I opened a bottle of vodka and dug out my porn DVDs. I started with a cheeky wank over a big boobs film before moving on to a movie where all the girls wear sexy lingerie. I slipped off my trousers and undies and got a tub of lube out of the bedroom and spent a couple of minutes greasing my pole stiff again. Just as one of the stocking-clad girls was being spunked over by a couple of fellas I shot my own all over the TV screen. I was half-pissed and spread out some of my girlie mags to form a jizz crescent on the carpet. The DVD was still running and on the spur of the moment I decided to slip into a pair of my wife’s little G-string panties. And to get a better look at myself I moved all the household mirrors into the room.
I decided to go the whole hog and dug out a pair of stockings and a garter belt and found some of her expensive body lotion and rubbed it around my knackers. I sat on an armchair and gave myself a lefthander until I plopped another blob of steaming spunk over the mag pages. I reckon I dozed off for a short while and when I awoke the DVD was still playing and I was feeling horny again. I was admiring my erection in the mirrors and had another wank. Just at that moment my wife came in the door after missing her flight!
My marriage is now in tatters. What can I do?
GT, London
Morgan says: GROVEL, or start a new life without her.
Dear Morgan,
MY girlfriend caught me getting sucked off in the bathroom at a party by a stranger. She burst in just as I was climaxing all over this woman’s face and bared boobs.
And now she’s left me. I miss her. What can I do?
KD, Glasgow
Morgan says: YOU’LL have to find another sucker – maybe the party girl?
Dear Morgan,
I’VE always liked big-breasted girls. It started when I found a discarded porn mag as a lad.
It was in a hedgerow and the woman on the cover had whopping 44-inch wobblers. I kept that adult art pamphlet all through my teens and must have whacked off over the titanic tits more than a thousand times. In my early 20s I was lucky enough to go out with a girl with 42-inch breasts. She didn’t have much of a face – and her arse was like a sack of turnips – but what lovely jubblies. I used to play with them for hours, spunking all over her huge nipples. But I had to say goodbye to her as one night while she was on top of the good ship roger, riding the waves of love, she almost suffocated me with her mammaries. Now I’m in my mid-30s and married to a girl with 34DD delights but I always dream of her having bigger cock cushions. More than a handful is not enough for me and I’m thinking of paying for her to have a boob job.
What do you think?
MJ, Cardiff
Morgan says: IF she’s willing, why not go for it?
Dear Morgan,
LAST weekend I went to a wild party with all sorts of sex action and I lost my wife.
I’m 45 and got chatted up by a gorgeous woman in her 20s. Within 10 minutes of meeting, she dragged me to an empty room and started licking and tonguing my bell-end before nibbling it all over too. Then she started sucking my balls before going back to work on my rod and it was a mixture of pain and pleasure as she sucked me off like an industrial vacuum cleaner. I was on the point of passing out, gasping for breath, when I let loose. I’d love to get another blow job like that but how do I get my wife to try it?
TG, Kent