By JUSTIN DUNNY
EVERYONE in Britain is to be taxed on how much they POO!
Water meters installed in all homes will combine with new “twin flush” toilet mechanisms to determine whether you’ve teased out a number one or two. A short flush – a quick burst of water to wash away a wee – will cost 2p-per-p*ss in tax. A long flush – to unclog your bog of solid waste and paper – will cost 5p-a-time.
All businesses, including pubs and restaurants, will have pee-activated sensors placed in urinals which will determine a quarterly bill for the owners – possibly leading to the price of a pint or a plate of steak and chips going up as bosses pass on the cost to incontinent customers. All cubicle blocks will also have mandatory “turdstiles” to raise revenues. Theoretically, it could also mean the Government and other public authorities will have access to data explaining precisely how regular you are. The White Paper – dubbed “Pay As You Poo” by Treasury wags – was concocted by Eton-educated Chancellor George Osborne, already under fire for his pro-rich Budget. Opponents immediately attacked it as an assault on the poor, who tend to drink higher volumes of booze which has them dashing to the toilet all evening. Curry aficionados were also up in arms saying the 5p-a-plop tax would hit them more unfairly than most – forcing vindaloo lovers to swap to salads and other gut-friendly foods. Mr Osborne is already embroiled in controversy over the “pasty tax” – a 20% hike in the price on hot pasties, pies and sausage rolls sold by bakers and supermarkets to bring them level with chip shops outlets– and his “granny tax” on pensions.
"It’s fair because it affects everyone and encourages people to conserve water"
– Chancellor George Osborne
He also drew ire from the low paid when he cut the top rate of income tax for the mega-rich from 50p to 45p. Yet George is firmly behind his poo plan, declaring: “The Toilet Tax is fair as it affects everyone and encourages water conservation.” The his plans were met with fury when Sunday Sport hit the streets with the news. Manchester builder Olli Forpa, 39, fumed: “It’s literally taking the p*ss. Everyone knows that when you’re out on lash, once you’ve had your first wee you’re back every 20 minutes. Sherry sippers like Osborne haven’t got a clue. “This Toilet Tax encourages people to p*ss and sh*t in the street. Britain will end up like it was in the Middle Ages.”