In The Know with Mike Starr

NO Jubilee Concert invite for BILL GALLON of WOMBAT after an ill-advised internet rant about the Queen’s third cousin, the DUKE OF MIDDLEWICH! Gallon, who went to ETON with the 42-year-old Duke, raged that Middlewich still hasn’t returned his lawn mower and complained the peer promised him a guided tour around his cousin’s gaff BUCK HOUSE. Alas, Bill took to the keyboard after cider and his language was threatening. He’s now recovering after a fall down stairs while having a chat with officers from the ROYAL PROTECTION SQUAD.

I’M told DAPHNE PHILLSON of DINSON UNDERPASS caused a kerfuffle at GLING nightclub in Frodsham – and it was all over the loo roll in the ladies’ room! Dapphers, who had been on an all-day Bacardi and Tizer sesh, claimed the lavvy paper was “too rough” and marched off to see the manager. Unfortunately, she forgot to hitch up her knix, and went unwiped-endover- apex in front of the fruit machine. OOF-YAH!

NO more walking down Manchester’s TEMPERANCE STREET for TULIPS bassist HOLLISTER GRAFF – not after what happened last week! Hollister was arranging a transaction with one of the Street’s lovely “trading ladies” and thought he’d settled on £15 for BBBJTCWS. In fact, the lady had only agreed to BBBJTC and charged another £15 for BBBJTCWS. The situation was only resolved when her gentleman colleague intervened with a sturdy stick, leaving Hollister with a limp and a dry cleaning bill!

SALLY GRANCHE of BILLINGE is in hot water with her local swimming pool after a mix-up over a verruca sock! I’m told the 18-year-old claimed her sock had been stolen from her locker at LOWER BOLTON BATHS and insisted staff all join the hunt for it. Sally is understandably a bit paranoid about souvenir hunters after one of her monthlywear items appeared for sale on the net. Turns out, she’d not lost her sock at all…she was WEARING it!

NO more milkshakes for jibber-rocker DELLY PRUBERT after an unfortunate incident involving a cat in Biddulph! For legal reasons – and to spare Delly’s blushes – we can’t say exactly what happened, but it’s a wonder the PEOPLE’S DISPENSARY FOR SICK ANIMALS were not involved! Let’s assume that Delly’s gig at the MOW COP KITTEN FESTIVAL will now be cancelled!




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