Wardrobes saved my marriage!

 

Wardrobes saved my marriage!

Dear Lynsey,

I WANT to share my story with your readers. It was a bit bizarre how it all came about but it’s been such a revelation I feel I should share it with the world!

Things had gone a bit off the boil with the missus, I felt like I was a glorified handyman, always being nagged to do bits and bobs round the house and I’d only get to have a go on her maybe once every six weeks if I was lucky.

Then she decided she wanted new wardrobes, of all things! Here goes, thinks me, that’s the weekend gone. We went to B&Q and she picked some with mirrors on the doors, huge things they were, we could hardly get them up the stairs when we got them home in the van I’d borrowed from work.

Grinning

It wasn’t a bad job in the end, few hours and they were up. She was happy. Bedtime rolled around and we’re getting undressed and I catch her watching me in the mirror and grinning.

“Ooh,” she said, “You look different in the mirror!” To my amazement she came over and started snogging me, feeling my arse and then moving her hands round… I joined in and started feeling her up too, I couldn’t believe my luck!

Before I knew it we were on the bed and we were pounding away like teenagers. And the best bit was we were watching ourselves in the mirror and it was like watching our own porno!

We did it doggy style facing the mirror, and then we did it so that we could both see everything, it was the biggest turn on. Since then we’ve been doing it every night, oral sex, normal sex, she even let me have a bit of anal on Tuesday and she’s never done that before!

She’s got so into watching us shagging now that she’s suggested something I never thought I’d hear – she wants to get a video camera and make our own films! It’s fantastic – if I’d suggested spicing things up with mirrors she’d have slapped me right down, but because it was some wardrobes she’d chosen it’s like she’s a woman possessed.

So you tell your readers to get down to the DIY shop this weekend and you’ll never want to leave the house again!

Brian, Barnsley

Lynsey says: YOU’RE sneaky, but I like you! I agree, some women might think taking mirrors into the bedroom is a bit kinky, but if you get them in there under the pretence of home improvements then everybody wins!

If you wanna get laid – get a dog!

Dear Lynsey,

I TURNED 40 recently, and realised I was passing curvy and heading towards tubby. I knew I wouldn’t stick to going to the gym or anything like that because exercise is boring, so I decided to get a dog.

You can’t decide you can’t be bothered to walk them just because it’s raining, you have to make the effort. So I went to a rescue shelter and a month later I brought home a lovely mongrel who I’ve called Tyson, cos he’s a big fella.

Well, I’m lucky enough to live on the edge of the city, near a river and with open countryside just beyond, so on the first day I stuck on a pair of flowery wellies and off I went!

There were a lot of other dog walkers on my route and as the days went by they all started to say hello to me. There was one bloke in particular who seemed to take a shine to me, he was tall and well set and had a massive boxer, who was also called Tyson!

One day he stopped me and said he thought I was lovely and would we like to go for a drink. So we took our dogs to a riverside pub and had a snifter.

Then we had another, and another, and soon it was tea-time and we were both rather drunk. We ended up back at his place and we had the most brilliant sex, he’s got a massive shlong and he’s brilliant at going down on me too, he’ll do it for hours!

We’ve decided we’d like to start going out, but unfortunately our Tysons don’t get on at all – they’ve been growling at each other and baring their teeth – and I think they may end up pulling chunks out of each other.

Is it too late to take mine back to the pound?

Bryony, Manchester

Lynsey says: A dog is for life, Bryony, not just for sorting out your sex life!

Art class teaches me loads

Dear Lynsey,

I’M a 21-year-old lad and I’m ever so shy, so I hadn’t lost my virginity until a few weeks ago.

I’d read somewhere that night classes would be a good place to meet women, so I signed up to an art class and bought some brushes and paints and prepared to learn to paint.

All the women in the class were quite snooty and I thought I’d been sold a lemon, but the lady who takes the class was a different story!

She asked me to stay behind after the second lesson, “to give me a few extra pointers”, and I thought I’d be learning more about shadow and perspective.

But when we were alone she grabbed my hands and said they looked like they could be very talented, and shoved one down her top! She might be getting on a bit but she’s very curvy and I allowed myself to be shown the ways of the world.

I collapsed on top of her after about five minutes the first time, but I’m getting better and we’re bonking all the time now. So if any of your readers are feeling a bit lonely, I suggest they sign up for some classes!

AF, Hull

Lynsey says: Well, you wanted to get your brush wet!

He’s a button freak!

Dear Lynsey,

I’M starting to worry about my husband because since he confessed his favourite fetish it’s taking over our lives!

He likes me to dress as a secretary. Normal, so far, yes? Well here’s the thing – he likes it when the bloused have big buttons – and I mean REALLY BIG buttons, and he plays with them and looks at them before making his mess on them when we’ve finished!

I’m going out with a weirdo, aren’t I?

Alice P, Wolverhampton

Lynsey says: WELL, it’s a new one on me, I must admit… but he’s not doing any harm!

I just can’t get enough of my sex-mad MILFs

Dear Lynsey,

MOST people seem to act as if their life’s come to an end when they get divorced, but mine’s just starting!

Me and the missus split up about six months ago, we’ve got a toddler and the strain of being new parents took its toll on us and we’ve got divorced now. We’re still friendly, though, and we take it in turns to have custody. So when it’s my week to have the little fella, we go to playgroup.

And that’s where it all gets good, because there are so many randy women there who aren’t getting any because their husbands work too hard or have gone off them because they’ve run to fat.

Now I don’t mind a bit of something to grab hold of in the sack and all these ladies are like putty in my hands!

I’ve had loads of dates with them and they all seem to put out! I’m having to make sure I don’t get any names wrong, though, and I’m having to remember what I’ve told them so I don’t end up dropping myself in it.

Do you think I’m doing anything wrong? We’re all adults, after all.

DK, Islington

Lynsey says: THIS is the kind of thing that could come back to bite you – but enjoy it while you can!

DO YOU HAVE A SEX PROBLEM?

EMAIL: agony@sundaysport.co.uk OR MAIL TO: Agony, Sunday Sport, City View House, 5 Union Street, Ardwick, Manchester, M12 4JD

 

 

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