My neighbour accused me of stalking her…

A STUDENT tormented for three years by a mystery online stalker was amazed to find out it was her own boyfriend who was making her life a misery.

Devastated Ruth Jeffery is now calling for her ex, Shane Webber, to be sent to prison.

Surely she must have known it was him?

She should have had an idea he was a stalker when he started sitting on her knee when she went to the toilet.

By the looks of him, he’s got a 50” waist and a f*cking IQ to match — so it’s no wonder he was desperate to keep hold of her. And he’s the sort of c*nt who electrifies his plate of chips to stop you pinching one. One of my neighbours caught me staring at her boobs the other day and had the nerve to accuse ME of being a stalker.

She said: “Oi, do you want a picture, you dirty pervert?” I replied: “No thanks, I’ve got hundreds already.” And I hate to admit it, but I still hold a torch for my ex-girlfriend.

Mainly at her bedroom window while I’ve got my cock out.

Court restraining orders make me laugh though. All they do is encourage stalkers to raise their game!

THE family of the old lass from the X Factor, poor Ceri Rees is threatening to sue ITV1 because they claim the widow was “publicly humiliated”. You knew as soon as she walked onto the stage with a carrier bag that she wasn’t quite right in the head. But I thought it was a bit cruel when they played the theme tune to One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest as she walked out. Ceri’s choice of song, one from the musical Les Miserables, was wrong too. She could have done Crazy by Gnarls Barkley, Go Mental by the Ramones or Basket Case by Green Day. And her own voice coach told her not to go on the show. That was pointless because the woman is clearly stone f*cking deaf. Ceri lost her voice in the end. Let’s hope she never finds it again.

Loose Women last week, and by God can she talk out of her arse. The star (below) should get tinted windows on her car or she’ll get done for mooning.

I’VE just got back from the travellers’ site at Dale Farm as I went there to join in the celebrations with the rest of the gypsy activists. I’m over the moon that they are staying put. Because I really don’t want those c*nts moving anywhere near me.

SCOTTISH prisons are apparently overcrowded, according to a new report. They should pipe Susan Boyle records through the sound system so half of ’em will feel like f*cking topping themselves.

I CAN’T wait for the Olympics — it’ll be funny trying to watch the athletes from poorer nations trying to get the gold wrapper off their medals. I reckon there will be a few false starts at the games, though. There’s a gun going off in London every five minutes! But Great Britain should win plenty of medals in the weights classes — with all the lifting the Cockney looters have been doing.

EVERYONE seems to be falling over themselves to help the Pakistani flood victims. The BNP have even sent them a thousand crocodiles.

A GROUP of 890 Poles arrived in Britain last week. So how big is this f*cking fence they’re building and will it keep the f*ckers out in future?

TRAVELLERS are defending their right to live in brick buildings. Talk about defeating the object. It’s like seeing a f*cking agoraphobic going dogging.

AN ASYLUM seeker in France is responsible for giving 20 women the AIDS. The judge should have told him to go and f*ck himself.

PIPPA Middleton DOES have a wonderful arse. But I’m sick of f*cking hearing about it. At any given time, that bum of hers is carrying a three pound turd — just like all the rest of us. Still interested in it?

I SAW a sign the other day that made me absolutely piss myself. It said: “Gents toilets closed”.

AVICIOUS leopard is being hunted in Asia after eating 11 Indians. Bet that cat has a sore arse in the morning.

A BEAR weighing 400lb attacked and killed a hiker in Montana, USA. The poor man clearly didn’t see the sign saying “BEAR LEFT”.

CRUEL burglars last week stole a replica of E.T. from a woman’s house. At least her phone bills have gone down now.

A CALIFORNIAN man has had a full face transplant. I bet he’s the bastard I lent a f*cking tenner to.

THE Americans are so in debt that to execute people they’re now having to throw a toaster in the bath.

IN Mexico, 43 per cent of marriages involve couples as young as 13, according to new research. Well at least there’s no chance of your missus running off with someone younger.

A PERVERT in Tokyo was caught with a mirror fixed to his foot. Cops were suspicious when they saw a large crack in the man’s shoe.

IT’S nice to see Tiger Woods over in Britain. At last he can book into a hotel under his own name.

THAT Cheryl Cole’s a brave lass, isn’t she — going to Afghanistan? F*ck the Taliban — she landed in the middle of a load of squaddies who’ve had nowt to screw for the past six months apart from goats and camels!

FORMER Sporty Spice Mel C says she has learned how to speak all posh. She’s been talking with plums in her mouth. Fancy putting mine in your gob, luv?

POOR dead singer Amy Winehouse has been described as a real “girl next door”. Next door to what? The f*cking Betty Ford clinic?

LITTLE Britain star David Walliams would make a brilliant MP. What with all the shit he had to swallow swimming up the River Thames.

YOU might think I’m a cruel man, but every day I go round to my grandma’s house, make her a cup of hot milk and crush up a tablet for her. To be honest, the family would never forgive me if I got her pregnant.




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