A woman asks a mechanic what was wrong with her car he's just fixed. "Nothing serious, just shit in the air filter" "oh," she said, "how often?" — Pat Ball, Southend

What's red and very bad for your teeth? A housebrick — Mel Tapping, Edinburgh

How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it! — Jake Willing, Winsford

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "does this taste funny to you?" — Jim Burlington, Stoke

My wife suggested we play some sex games to spice up our sex lives. Unfortunately, 'Guess who I shagged last night' didn't go down very well. — Jeff Atwood, Dunstable

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his missus? Wiped his bum! — Paul Merrall, Ibiza

How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat? When she sits on your face and you can't hear the telly — Lee Lawrence - St Helens

My wife came into the bedroom wearing a sexy nightie. She said, "Tie me up and do what you like". So I tied her up, bonked her sister and went fishing. — Dave Palmer, Kettering

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care! — John Carter, Bridgport

My doctor asked me if I'd been suffering from memory loss. I said "How the f**k should I know?" — Dave Murdoch, St Abans

"I'm off to the pub, get your coat," I said to my wife. "Are you taking me for a drink?" she said. "No", I replied, "I'm turning the central heating off" — Ken Hester, Macclesfield

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in Comfort — James Mathers, Bury

How do you make a dog drink? Stick it in a blender — Norman Hellier, S Ives

What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive to men? Her feet! — Jay Martin, Ashton

What's got legs and goes 'Miaow"? A frozen dog on a bench saw! — Marty Sommerland, York

What do you call a man without any shins? Neil. — Phil Tibballs, Nantwich

My dog kept setting the alarm off in the middle of the night. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke it's legs with a golf club — Mike Todd, Hoylake

What's a man's idea of foreplay? Begging! — Pete Mason, Aberdeen

We call granddad Spiderman. Not because he's got special powers, but because he's rubbish at getting out of the bath! — Chris Eton, Stafford

My last girlfriend used to call my penis "Weapon of Mass destruction". I was flattered until I found out that she meant it was really hard to find — Carl Spokes - Leeds

What's the most sensitive part of a man's penis? The man attached to it — Colin Lane, Formby

Did you hear about the two gay judges? They tried each other! — Simon Jackson, Kendal