Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to! — Steve Simmons, Exeter

Why did the tramp cross the road? To get to the other cider! — Chris Neilson, Salford

Neil Diamond and Sid Viscious once collaborated on a song called "You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore You C**t" — Paul Mayford, Sunderland

My wife makes love like a chess player. Every 20 minutes she moves. — Matt Green, Aberdeen

Your wife and mother-in-law are drowning, you have a choice: go to the pub or get a DVD — Matt Nixon, Brighton

What do you call a man without any shins? Neil. — Phil Tibballs, Nantwich

My wife spends a lot of time on Ebay, but so far I've not had a single bid — Bert Hampson, Ealing

How do you get a sweet old woman to swear? Tell another sweet old woman to shout 'Bingo!' — Kim, Newcastle

My wife came into the bedroom wearing a sexy nightie. She said, "Tie me up and do what you like". So I tied her up, bonked her sister and went fishing. — Dave Palmer, Kettering

My last girlfriend used to call my penis "Weapon of Mass destruction". I was flattered until I found out that she meant it was really hard to find — Carl Spokes - Leeds

A while back my wife was looking so hot I decided to video her doing a striptease. All I need now is a betamax video to play it back. — Fat Bob, Leeds

What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive to men? Her feet! — Jay Martin, Ashton

Did you hear about the two gay judges? They tried each other! — Simon Jackson, Kendal

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one. — Christopher Burton, Tipton

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "does this taste funny to you?" — Jim Burlington, Stoke

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his missus? Wiped his bum! — Paul Merrall, Ibiza

How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat? When she sits on your face and you can't hear the telly — Lee Lawrence - St Helens

My wife suggested we play some sex games to spice up our sex lives. Unfortunately, 'Guess who I shagged last night' didn't go down very well. — Jeff Atwood, Dunstable

We call granddad Spiderman. Not because he's got special powers, but because he's rubbish at getting out of the bath! — Chris Eton, Stafford

Someone told me women have one breast bigger than the other, or is that just bollocks? — Ted Witherton, Chester

My best mate is in a coma. He's living the dream. — Bill Yates, Exeter

I saw the world's biggest fan last week. It blew me away. — William, Birmingham

What's got legs and goes 'Miaow"? A frozen dog on a bench saw! — Marty Sommerland, York

A woman asks a mechanic what was wrong with her car he's just fixed. "Nothing serious, just shit in the air filter" "oh," she said, "how often?" — Pat Ball, Southend

My dad's hobby is collecting empty bottles. Sounds a lot nicer than 'alcoholic' — Bill Tomkin, Salford

Worst thing about being a test tube baby is knowing my dad was a wanker! — Geoff Barnes, Woking

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care! — John Carter, Bridgport

My dog kept setting the alarm off in the middle of the night. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke it's legs with a golf club — Mike Todd, Hoylake

Why do women shave under their arms? So they can iron faster! — Chris Baker, Moreton

"I'm off to the pub, get your coat," I said to my wife. "Are you taking me for a drink?" she said. "No", I replied, "I'm turning the central heating off" — Ken Hester, Macclesfield

What's the ideal weight for your mother-in-law? About 2.3lb including the urn. — Sam Harding Billericay

How do you make a dog drink? Stick it in a blender — Norman Hellier, S Ives

What's a man's idea of foreplay? Begging! — Pete Mason, Aberdeen

How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it! — Jake Willing, Winsford

How do you know when a mechanic has just had sex? One of his fingers is clean! — Sid Liversage, Wrexham

I used to work in one of those paperless offices. Which was fine until I needed a shit! — Paul Mason, Netherley

I used to think I was brilliant at sex - until I found out my missus had asthma — Richie Sands, Berwick

What's the most sensitive part of a man's penis? The man attached to it — Colin Lane, Formby

My doctor asked me if I'd been suffering from memory loss. I said "How the f**k should I know?" — Dave Murdoch, St Abans

What's red and very bad for your teeth? A housebrick — Mel Tapping, Edinburgh

What's the best thing about dating a female tramp? It doesn't matter where you drop her off! — Paul Capper Islington